Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
