I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
