He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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