were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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