Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
