Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
