I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
