boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
