Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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