remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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