That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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