Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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