There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
