If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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