He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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