Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
