so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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