barbara walters just said penis...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
