My liver just broke up with me...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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