He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
