Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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