i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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