I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize