if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize