i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
