Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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