Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
