i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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