Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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