I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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