I'm jealous of your bromance
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
