I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
