just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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