I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
