I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
