I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
