Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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