I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
