True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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