I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
