i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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