I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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