You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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