one two three fourrrrnication!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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