Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
