Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
