bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
