Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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