now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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