Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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