and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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