they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
