i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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