She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
