Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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