He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
please come you make the beer taste better
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
