I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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