I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
