K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
