i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize