So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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