I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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